'AITA for Cutting Off My Daughter’s College Fund After She Chose Her Deadbeat Bio Mom?'
"AITA for Cutting Off My Daughter’s College Fund After She Chose Her Deadbeat Bio Mom?"
No_Patience900
I’m a single dad to my 18-year-old daughter, Emma. Her bio mom left us when she was young, and I’ve raised her with the help of my wife, who has been a wonderful mother figure. Recently, Emma started reconnecting with her bio mom, and I initially supported this, hoping it would be a positive experience.
However, it quickly became apparent that her bio mom hadn’t changed. Emma began making excuses for her and started exhibiting increasingly hostile behavior toward my wife.
She would say things like, “Maybe I’ll just move in with my mom and leave you both behind,” and “You’re not my real mom anyway, so what do you care?” It escalated to threats where she implied she would ruin our lives if we tried to stop her from pursuing this relationship.
During a heated argument, Emma expressed her desire to move in with her bio mom. This was the breaking point for me. Feeling that I needed to set boundaries, I decided to cut off her college fund and told her she had to leave our home.
Since then, my family has been vocal about their disapproval. They believe I should have been more understanding and that I overreacted. Some even argue that I’m pushing her further away and harming our relationship permanently. They think I should have tried harder to support her rather than resorting to such drastic measures. AITA for taking this step, or was I justified in cutting her off?
EDIT:
My daughter also accused me of always loving my wife over her but it was the other way round....her biological mother abandoned us and now she confides in her.
EDIT:
so a lot of u have been advising me to give her the college fund and i think i agree.I shall give her the college fund but i will not ask her to come back to me. That is her own free will I guess.
Update 1:
Thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. I didn’t expect to have an update so quickly, but a lot has happened in just the past few hours.
About an hour after I posted, I got a message from Emma asking if we could meet up. She suggested a nearby coffee shop, and although I was unsure of what to expect, I agreed to meet her.
When I arrived, I could tell right away that something was different. Emma looked exhausted and stressed, not at all like the confident person who left our home. She told me that her time with her bio mom had been a disaster.
Not only had her mom treated her coldly, but she also demanded an exorbitant amount of money for rent—far more than Emma could afford. It became clear to Emma that her mom wasn’t interested in having a real relationship with her, just in using her for financial gain.
Emma was visibly upset as she apologized for the way she had treated me and my wife. She admitted that she’d made a huge mistake and asked if she could come back home. It was obvious she was genuinely remorseful, and she said she realized now how much we had done for her.
I told her that I’m willing to work on rebuilding our relationship, but it’s going to take time and effort on both sides. We discussed setting some boundaries and working through the issues that led to all of this in the first place. She agreed, and we left the coffee shop with a plan to move forward, one step at a time.
It’s not going to be an easy road, but I’m hopeful that we can heal from this and come out stronger on the other side. I’m still processing everything, but I’m relieved that Emma wants to make things right. I also agreed to pay for her college and she is really happy now by the way.
EDIT: DELETING POST IN 24 HRS
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND SUPPORT...I COULD NOT REPLY TO ALL THE COMMENTS BUT I READ EM ALL.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
MalachiteEclipsa
Just let her figure out that her bio mom is a piece of shit that's the best way to go about it.
12Whiskey
This is the best advice right here. Kinda similar situation for me, mom left when I was 3 and didn’t want anything to do with me. I tried to reconnect with her in high school and held her on a pedestal for some reason. She didn’t show up for my graduation, wedding, birth of my first child….at that point (mid 20’s) it finally hit me what kind of a mother she is.
OP, it may take some time and some big milestones but your daughter will see her mom for who she is. Just be there for her and don’t trash talk her mom. I have mad respect for my dad because of it and we are super close. Oh and guess who’s never met my youngest child?
UnusualPotato1515
Her bio mum can pay for her college if she is so great. Watch Emma come crawling back to daddy when she realizes bio mum will ditch her again!
slimparrot
She's a teenager who has dealt with feeling unwanted by her own mother almost her entire life and is now probably being manipulated by that same vile person. Her behaviour sucks but this schadenfreude and gloating about the inevitable disappointment and heartbreak she will face is disgusting.
kittykatekath
NTA. Your daughter is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions. It's important to set boundaries and maintain them, even if it means cutting off financial support. Hopefully, she will come to realize the gravity of her words and actions and learn from this experience. As for your family, ultimately it's your decision as a parent and they should respect that.
Bastienbard
OP is TA because of kicking her out and taking away a college fund when his daughter was a little kid who was abandoned by her own damn mother without any closure and trying to find some closure.
OP is NTA for trying to protect his daughter from his Ex But he's doing it in all the possible wrong ways and guaranteeing that she will make the wrong decisions. To say OP is being shortsighted and hot headed is beyond an understatement.